@j.benesch to @f.south
To my esteemed fellow gamer colleague:
By now, you indubitably comprehend the severity of the current predicament in which you and myself are both mutually entangled. You and I, who formerly immersed ourself in the world of Hive purely for pleasure, and/or internet accolades, and/or the occasional handful of shekels, now find ourselves playing out of necessity—nay, survival. If we do not perform adequately, we shall be stuck on this alien planet, perhaps for the rest of our lives (which, need you be reminded by me, may well be abnormally short).
But, if by some series of misadventures we find ourselves alive but trapped on Tithoria indefinitely, it will of course fall to our small band of heroes to repopulate the globe and save the human race.
To that end, after a long, thorough deliberation, I have chosen you as the most likely candidate for mating partner. Your gaming ability may be negligible, but out of our group you are the most suitable female, what with Angela being overweight and Ms. Yue being too old to reproduce, as a woman of about thirty. And I, of course, am the ideal male candidate for this purpose, being exceptional in intelligence and genetic heritage.
Even if we do manage to return to our beloved homeworld (and I am confident we shall), Imperial Games will likely have interest in breeding a race of super-gamers to fight this virtual interplanetary war. So rest assured—there will be plenty of opportunities for you and I on Earth as well.
Now, I realize that this missive may startle you with its frankness. But the reality is that we simply don’t have the time for social niceties like a long courtship process. And besides, you’ve always referred to yourself as a sex-positive feminist, so there is no rational reason why you should be offended.
Our respective schedules will likely be occupied by gaming over the next few years, but we cannot afford to fail to set aside an appointment to complete this essential act of coitus.
May I propose 3 p.m. the Tuesday after next?
Maximus Meridius, 0.75 million YouTube subscribers, Hive badass 30 times over.
@j.benesch to @f.south Is your laptop on?
@j.benesch to @f.south I was polite. I deserve an answer.
@j.benesch to @f.south ANSWER ME, YOU STUCKUP BITCH.
@f.south has blocked @j.benesch
@j.benesch to @f.south UNBLOCK ME YOU COWARD
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